Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving, dear readers (:  I'm still alive...I'm so sorry I haven't posted as of late and left you hanging like I did.  I honestly haven't been off the shelf since...you  know.  Since I broke up with Eugene.  And boy, has it been treacherous.   If you don't feel like reading a disheartening post....don't continue.  
Or just proceed with caution!
The days have been long, but the nights are even longer.  I can't sleep, so I'm like a zombie.  I can usually hear Eugene pacing in his shelf, and it just kills me. 
Anna, Elsa, Kristoff, and even Hans have been trying to cheer me up this week.  Punzie has been making hay while the sun shines (for her), and harassing me so much, I can hardly stand it anymore!  Zelia's been surprisingly quiet about it, and has even backed me up a couple of times, if Punzie would say something especially nasty...since I've just given up on the retaliations.  Emma just avoids me overall - for the most part - but Piper's flashed me a couple of sympathetic looks.
Anna's been such a good friend, though, honestly.  Her and Kristoff both have been!  They've been going on quite a few walks...hm.  Oh, and  Hans has been pretty nice too. 
Yesterday, Hans went for a walk as well.  He tried to get me to go with him, and I think he had motives of his own.  Come on, he'll do whatever Anna or Elsa tell him to do!  He was probably going to try to have me 'conveniently' bump into Eugene.  Sooo I refused.  I wanted to see Eugene so badly, but I knew it was probably a bad idea.  But then again, I don't know what to think anymore. 
When Hans came back, he plopped down beside me. 
"I ran into Eugene whilst on my walk.  He looks as bad as you do-"
"Thanks, Hans, way to make a girl feel better."  I grumbled, refusing to look at him, even though I was secretly dying to know how Eugene was (and it was killing me that so far, he's as bereft as I am.)
"Don't you want to know how your friend is doing?"  He asked, slightly cross with me for interrupting. 
"Go ahead," I whispered with a sigh of defeat.  The words barely escaped my lips as my breath caught with anticipation, and, yet, fear. 
"The first words that came out of his mouth were asking about how you were.  I told him frankly, and asked how he's been.  He didn't answer me, but he, of all absurd things, asked if WE were together or if you loved me." 
I coughed in surprise. 
"Thanks, Rapunzel." 
"No, no...I just...ohh gosh, he probably thought I had fallen for you, and that's why I broke up with him!"  I cried, burying my face in my hands. 
"Well, I told him that that was a pretty odd idea he had there, and that no, we were not.  I may or may not have suggested that the only guy you're interested in is him.  He told me to tell you that Pascal's doing okay.  Rapunzel, I know it may not be my place to offer advice on this sensitive matter, but I would advise you to go visit him.  He truly does care about you and misses you; it's obvious to anyone.  And it's most definitely obvious that YOU still care about him, as well.  He's a rather nice fellow, and I feel that you deserve nothing but the best.  You and Eugene belong together, I believe.  I'm fairly certain that Anna, Elsa, and Kristoff will agree with me, quite adamantly." 
Ignoring the last part, I said, "Thanks for telling me that Pascal was doing okay.  You're a good pal, Hans." 
"Why don't you be a real pal to Eugene and go see him now?  He could use a little companionship, and you could, as well."  He suggested before he stood up and left me to my own devices. 
I sighed again.  Hans probably had a point, but I couldn't.  I knew I'd start bawling like a baby as soon as I'd as much as see him. 

This evening, we all snuck out (even Zelia, but Punzie stayed on our shelf) and headed for the refrigerator in Tangled Fan's kitchen.  Of course, all the humans were asleep...but everyone else wanted to raid the fridge for leftover Thanksgiving goodies.  I was initially going to stay back, but Elsa made me go with them. 

We ate our fill of the classic Thanksgiving fixings, and I kept an eye out for Eugene.  He didn't come out, much to my dismay.  He'd probably done just as what I'd wanted to do -- stayed on the shelf. 
I ended up finding a napkin, piling it with as much food as I could carry - after I wrote a quick little note (There is not and never will be anyone else.  And enjoy - I saw you weren't here tonight but the food was so good I didn't want you to miss out.) -  and then following everyone else back to the room. 
When I got to the deck, I set the napkin just outside of his shelf and knocked gently on the wall of the shelf before I snagged the iPod and hurried up to my own shelf. 

I caught up on blogging for awhile, but then I decided to slip down to make sure he'd gotten the food.  I didn't want to leave any greasy or damp stuff on Tangled Fan's shelf!  I'm sure she'd disapprove. 
I crept down with the iPod, shutting it off as I went. 
I snuck over and slid the iPod into the drawer in front of his shelf. 
"Hey, um...thanks." 
My breath caught.  Don't turn around.  DON'T TURN AROUND.  Do.  Not.  Turn.  Around.  Keep your cool...don't weird out.  Don't. Keeping my face turned so I didn't see him, I replied with a simple, "Mhm.  Did you see the-"
"Yeah," his voice grew faint, and I had the biggest urge to whirl around, grab him into a hug, and never  let him go. 
"I meant it."  I added.  My voice cracked and my heart shredded all over again as I walked past his shelf, not looking in, and then I started to go back to my shelf. 
"Wait." 
I paused, leaning against the opposite side of the shelf and listening.
There was a pause, and then he spoke again.  "Look, ah...y-you don't know how much I miss you." 
"I have a pretty good idea."  I was hoping that that was all he wanted to say, because I could feel my eyes tearing up and I could hear his voice was thick with emotion. 
"Oh - heads up.   Pascal heard you and now he's coming to see you," he added as I heard an excited little squeak. 
I finally broke down, sobbing, as I saw my-no, EUGENE's- poor, excited little Pascal.  He immediately scrambled towards me, and I slid down to scoop him up.  I cuddled him close to my cheek. 
"Rapunzel, I-I want nothing more than to just hug you and tell you that everything is gonna be alright.  I wish I knew it was going to be okay, myself!  But I know it won't help, will it?" 
I stayed silent. 
After all I'd put him through? 
He still cared.  I thought he would shut any thoughts of me out, and eventually forget about me, but here he was.  Being perfect. 
"You still there?"
"Yeah."
"I only want to know one thing, Rapunzel.  Why?" 
"Why wh-what?"  I asked, confused. 
"Why did you break up with me?  I just...I need to know the whole thing.  The truth." 
I was mildly offended.  "Why would I lie?  To you, of all dolls!  I-I...I told you the truth!  I don't want to do this right now-"
"If this is the last time we talk, I have to know.  Please."  His voice shook with emotion.
I sighed, looking down at Pascal.  "I promise that this is the truth, Eugene.  I don't want you getting hurt by my awkwardness and my thinking-before-speaking.  There's nobody else, never will be anyone.  I-I....that's it." 
The silence was deafening for a minute. "I never minded your awkwardness." He said quietly.
I leaned my head up against the shelf, still looking at Pascal. 
"We could still be friends, you know," I offered quietly, my heart surging with that glimmer of hope. 
"It would never be the same," was his reply. 
Realizing he was right, my heart sank.  "Y-you're right."  I whispered faintly.  I realized how big of a mess-up I'd actually caused.   
"Why does it have to be this way, Rapunzel?  Over awkwardness that's practically nonexistant?" 
I didn't have an answer.  "I-I..I'm confused, and this is only making it worse, and no, I am awkward, you just can't see it, a-and...I'm an idiot, okay?" 
"No, just tell me -"
"I...I don't know, hon-" It just slipped out, out of the old habit. 
"Don't call me hon unless you actually mean something by it.  I'm starting to wonder if you EVER meant something by it."  His voice had turned cool and hard. 
I sobbed.  "I'm sorry, it just...it slipped out, and--and...take him, please," I started to lose it.   I reached to give Pascal back. 
He was quiet until I felt Pascal leave my hand.  I realized how hard he'd tried (and succeeded) to keep from touching my hand .  And then he realized how he'd sounded.  "Oh my gosh, I'm so sor-"
I didn't stick around; I fled for my shelf and tried to cry as quietly as I could. 

"Hey,"
In the middle of trying to keep down a huge sob, I gasped.
"Anna?  You're still up?"  I asked in the darkness. 
I felt a hand on my shoulder and she sat beside me.
"Yeah.  Can't sleep.  What's wrong?  Wait.  Why don't we go somewhere else to talk?  So we can actually talk and not wake anyone up," she added.
"M'kay," I took in a shuddery breath and followed her down to the deck, then down to the bins. 
Sitting down, she looked at me.  I could see a little better because of the alarm clock's glowing numerals.  "Spill it." 
I spilled it.  I spilled everything....The whole spiel from tonight. 
"...A-and I never knew how big of a mistake I made, Anna!  I thought that in time, we could end up being good buddies again...but he's right, we never will be again!  And I-I'm such an idiot....you know how bad it hurts me to know I hurt him bad enough to make him this way, too?  I mess everything up and I'm worthless, no wonder nobody likes me!"  I buried my face in my hands as I finished my lengthy explanation.   
"Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Not true, Rapunzel.  Yes, you made a big mistake, one you likely can't take back.  But you know what?  I love you.  Elsa, Kristoff, and Hans do, too.  You know, this is what friends are for!  Maybe you need to open your eyes and realize that we're all here for you.  And you know what I think?  Eugene still loves you - you know, in THAT way.  And maybe you just need to give him time to figure things out.  He probably became harsh tonight because, like you, he was confused and didn't know what to do or what to think.  I'll bet if you drop by and see him tomorrow morning, things will be different," she offered, finally. 
"Th-things won't be different in the morning.  I know they won't be.  Gosh, why do I have to be so awkward and self-conscious?  I can't believe I'm so-"
"Don't even say it, Rapunzel, or else."  Anna mock-threatened. 
I sighed, wiping my face with my hands.  When I was done, I thought for a moment.  "When will it stop hurting?  I can't believe how much I-I miss him..."  I passed a hand through my hair, and ended up getting it knotted tightly around my fingers.  Remembering how gently, yet how awkwardly, he'd disentangled my hand for me when we'd just first met, I broke down, yanking my hand violently from the knot.  I felt as if someone had just punched me in the stomach.  I buried my face in my hands and my shoulders heaved with fresh sobs and even fresher grief. "I-I...I never realized how much he m-means--meant--to me...When'll I e-ever get over this?!" 
Anna put a hand on my shoulder and let me calm down before she answered me.  "It'll take time, but you're a strong girl, Rapunzel.  Just don't be afraid to take chances, okay?" 
"Like what?"  I asked.
"Like if he invites you to come back.  Or even to just talk." 
I nodded, and the realization hit me that I may very well never talk to him again.  A fresh wave of tears came, but I fought them back.  "I-I love hi...him so much, Anna....what horrible mistake have I made?" 
She reached over to pull me into a compassionate hug.  "I know.  I know." 
"No, you don't-"
"I know how bad I'd feel if I couldn't be around Kris," she said quietly. 
I didn't argue.  She did understand, at least somewhat. 

After a long while of deep conversation and 'it'll be okay's,  Anna and I headed back to the shelf.  As we walked past Eugene's shelf  on the deck, I thought I heard a quiet, "Rapunzel, please c'mere," but I ignored it, figuring it was just my imagination.  My imagination was pretty active these days -- thinking about what could've been if I hadn't have been such an idiot.  Too bad there isn't an off button for overactive imaginations.   I went back to grab the iPod so I could finish this post, and then went back to my shelf.