August 23rd-24th, 2014

The night of the 24th, Eugene and I went to sit on the windowsill and stargaze for awhile.  Unfortunately, the night quickly turned overcast and it started to rain, so we instead just sat and enjoyed one another's company, just like we'd done so many times before.  At one point, he pulled me a bit closer to him and kissed my forehead. 
"I can't believe that in just a couple of weeks, you'll have been here for a year.  It feels like we've known each other forever, but at the same time, it feels like time's flown.  Or is it just me?" 
I was surprised.  I hadn't really given much thought to how long I'd been here - plus, the fact that sometimes I couldn't remember when I had really arrived here put a damper on things - but it sure didn't feel like a year!  Grinning, I sighed.  "I can't believe it, either.  Out of my almost four years of being a doll, this has been the best year of my life!" 
"You know what?  I think we need to go for a walk tomorrow.   Just you and me.  Not for the whole day, of course, but we could when Zach settles down for a nap.  You know he's pretty regular with his nap schedule, so we could sneak out for a little while during his afternoon nap.  I already talked with Zelia, and she said she'd be happy to watch the girls for us if we need her to," he said, giving me a hopeful gaze.
I giggled.  He'd thought every single little thing out.  "Well...you know how busy I am..." I teased. 
"Oh, yes.  You're hardly around - you're almost always over on the other side of the table, having important discussions with everyone over there.  And--" he teased. 
Laughing, I shoved him playfully.  "Of course I want to go for a walk.  We haven't done so in AGES,"
"I know.  We need to take the girls for a walk someday soon, too.  I'm sure they'd want to ride - maybe we'll do that after Zach doesn't need his formula stuff anymore.  Then we can make a day out of it,"
I nodded.  "Definitely!"


The next morning, I woke up at seven with Zach, who was crying.  I promptly got him to go back to sleep, and by the time I got back to bed, Eugene was up.
"Morning," I whispered, crawling back into bed and turning to face him. 
"Good morning, beautiful," he smiled sleepily - his usual morning greeting.  Funny how I've known him for almost a year, and we've been married for almost ten months, but he can still give me butterflies.  "Are the kids asleep?" 
"Yeah...Zach woke up for a little bit, but I got him to go to sleep again," I told him. 
"Okay.  So...you looking forward to our walk today?  I am,"
I nodded, grinning and leaning over to give him a quick kiss.  "Yup!" 
After that, we just whispered sweet-nothings while we waited for the kids to wake up.
When the kids got up, Eugene made sure that everyone was going to behave, and then he went to go ask Tangled Fan if we could possibly go outside to walk - a very rare treat.  

At promptly two-thirty-one PM, Zachary went to sleep for his afternoon nap.  Eugene wasn't back, though.  It was safe to say that I was getting really worried, but there wasn't anything I could do except sit around and wait - and that was killing me.

When Tangled Fan came in at around three, I raced over to the edge of the table and started waving frantically, trying to get her attention.  It worked, and so I waited anxiously until she came over. 
"What's up?"  she asked. 
"Where's Eugene?"  I asked. 
"He's not up here?"  was her response.
"No, he was going to go ask you something...he left at around nine this morning," when I saw the confusion on her face, I trailed off.  My stomach twisted. 
"I haven't seen him  - but the dogs were in and out a lot today.  They may have taken him, and you know what that means, right?" 
I did.  The tales of what Tangled Fan's dogs did to us dolls were pure horror stories.  The lucky ones came out alive with mashed, chewed up limbs.  The unlucky ones...well...were dismembered.  The only two ways you can kill a doll?  Dismembering it completely or severe head trauma of some sort.
I stared at her in horror before slowly shaking my head.  "No...no.  He can't....he couldn't have been taken by the dogs...." I felt lightheaded, and slowly sank to my knees.  My head was swimming. 
"Don't freak out yet.  Maybe he got lost - It's a big house for you dolls--"
"He wouldn't get lost," I mumbled.  My lips felt numb and immovable.  "He knows his way around your house." 
She shook her head.  "I'll go search for him outside, then.  I'm sorry, but it's probably not gonna be a good outcome."
That's when Casey came over. 
"Did Daddy leave us?  Is it my fault?" 
I glanced over at her and saw the look of sheer sorrow on her face.    "No, honey.  It's not your fault, and he d-didn't leave us, not willingly...I-I don't know....I don't know what's going on."  I pulled her into my lap, and she buried her face up against my chest.  I looked back up, but Tangled Fan was gone.
It wasn't Casey's fault he'd left the table this morning; it was mine.  If it weren't for my stupid self, he'd still be here with his family, where he should be. 
I was too shocked to cry, but I tried to keep a positive frame of mind until Tangled Fan came back.  Maybe he WAS just lost...

Tangled Fan came back an hour later, shortly after I'd put the girls to bed for their afternoon nap.
She held a single brown boot in her hand, shaking her head. 
"This is all I found of him."
The single, small indent on the top only pointed to one culprit: a dog.
I felt every ounce of strength drain from my body, but I somehow managed to stay upright.  Coldness draped over me from head to toe like a sheet of ice.  I nodded slowly, staring not at Tangled Fan but at the boot she held loosely in her right hand. 
When she left, I still remained standing at the edge of the table; head hanging, stock still.  He was gone.  My husband...the love of my life, the one who I knew I could trust 100%...he was gone. 

"Rapunzel?"  Zelia asked.  "W-what.....what happened?" 
I jumped when she put a hand on my shoulder, and slowly turned to look at her.  She held an expression of concern, which was rare for her. 
I could hardly make my mouth or throat move, but I somehow managed to spit it out.
"Eugene...t-the dogs...the dogs got after him...he's...." I trailed off and gulped,  "he's gone."  Suddenly, a wave of emotion hit me, and a throbbing pain spread through my heart into my stomach and head.  My arms and legs felt as though there were shackles chaining me to the table; I couldn't move. 
Zelia gasped.  "Oh...oh, no..." she grabbed me into a hug, and that's when I lost it.  Hot tears streaked down my cheeks as I wept into my sister's shoulder, and she cried with me. 


The day dragged.  I couldn't wrap it around my head that my husband wasn't coming back. 
Telling the girls that their dad wasn't coming back was the worst thing I have ever done.  Audrey overheard me talking to Zelia about why he had left earlier this morning, and now my daughter hates me: as she should.  It's my fault.  If it weren't for me, they'd still have their dad. 
Jordan doesn't understand why everyone is crying, but she knows that she doesn't like it, and so she's been fussy all afternoon.  Zachary's uncharacteristically quiet.
Tangled Fan came in later to talk to me; she offered to let us do a funeral service, but I refused.  Those who knew and cared about him already knew about his likely death; we were mourning and a funeral service wouldn't help with closure if we didn't even have the remains. 

It didn't truly hit me until that night.  I put all the kids to bed and had a quick talk with the girls before bed. 
"If either of you can't sleep, let me know, okay?  Come back and you can sleep with us--er..me.  I...I'm sorry.  I-if you, um...just...don't be afraid to come to me.  I love you girls so much...and Daddy did, too." 
I gave both of them tight hugs, and Casey gave me a shaky smile.   
"It'll be okay, mommy.  I don't want to cry or be sad, because I know he wouldn't want us to be sad." 
I almost lost it right then and there.  "Y-you're right, baby.  Good night...try to get some rest.  I love you both."  
I tucked them in a bit tighter, gave them both kisses on their foreheads (despite Audrey's disgust), made sure that Pascal was in bed with them, and then went behind the cutout.  I kept it together until I had the bed made.  On a normal night, he'd come back and slip his arms around my waist right about now, hugging me before crawling into bed and letting me rest my head on his chest while we talked about the day, usually until one or both of us fell asleep. 
 I honestly don't know how long I cried, and my chest was so tight that I could barely breath.  My stomach churned, and tears slipped from my cheeks and splashed onto the blanket that should have been covering my husband as he slept peacefully...Where he had been doing just that twenty-four hours ago.  It was all I could do to keep from screaming, it hurt so much.  I didn't know how I could live with this; how I could live with this guilt and loss and on top of that, four little kids and one of which who hates me now, and....and how on earth could I be strong enough for them?  One way or another, I was going to have to be. 

In my silent, painful desolation, I heard a small cry that was not my own...Zachary. 
Forcing myself to pull it together, I stumbled out of bed and went to go pick him up. 
"S-s-shhh, honey...Momma's got you," I whispered, holding him close until his sniffles subsided.  When I crept back to bed, I covered both of us up and let him sleep on my chest, willing my own spasmodic breaths to slow.  Zachary was all I had left of Eugene, really.   How ironic that his miraculous birth had happened not even two weeks before Eugene died...if I would have gone my entire term, my husband wouldn't have been there for his birth, and Zachary wouldn't have known his father.  I squeezed my eyes against a fresh wave of pain, and told myself that I needed to keep myself together.  The kids needed me - all of them, especially Audrey and Casey.