What's Been Up...

Hey guys...I apologize for not posting anything since...you know.
It's been a very long week and a half .  I don't know if I'll ever be the same again.  The girls have been swinging from fighting to crying nearly constantly.  Rather, Audrey does all the crying and instigates all the fighting.  Casey just doesn't know what to do; I don't either, and I'm scared that she'll run away.  Audrey has developed an extreme hatred for me, I've never seen a child with such anger aimed towards someone.  Zachary has had to learn that momma can't always carry him around, such as when I'm breaking up a fight or taking care of Jordan, and so he's been really upset and that makes me feel even worse.  He's somewhat learned to let Zelia hold him, but he doesn't like it.  And if Ray tries to hold him...let's not even mention that.

Yesterday morning at around six, I heard a small, whimpering cry.  I suppose at this point I should say that I was up this early because I have hardly slept since the 24th. Between worrying about the kids and thinking about him...I'll sleep when I'm in a trash can somewhere.
Anyway, I heard a cry that was not from either of the babies.  Stumbling out of bed, I crept out from behind the cutout to go check things out.
Casey was curled in a ball in their bed, her little shoulders heaving.  Pascal was watching her with a concerned expression, and glanced up helplessly at me.
I knelt beside the bed and put a hand over her shoulder.  "Casey, sweetie..."
She jumped, sitting up to look at me with her red, watery eyes.  Sniffling, she dipped her head in what seemed to be shame.  "I-I tried, mom...I tried not to c-cry.  I knew it would m-make you sad and...and Daddy wouldn't want me t-to...but I-I couldn't keep it i-in anymore..I-I'm sorry-"
I scooped her out of bed and carried her to my own bed. "Don't you apologize, honey.  It's...it's okay to cry.  It's not good for you to bottle it all up inside, so you cry all you need to.  I'm sorry, baby.  I'm so sorry."  I was struggling to keep my own composure, but when she buried her face into my chest and sobbed quietly, I couldn't keep it together anymore.  She cried herself to sleep, and I cried with her.  When her heartbroken sniffles faded into a shuddering sigh, I laid her down beside me and watched her sleep, keeping her close.

At eight when Zachary announced his waking with a loud cry, I got up once more.  All of the girls woke after that, and at eight-thirty, Zelia and Belle came over unexpectedly.  Zelia's been helping a lot, and I fully appreciate it, but she hadn't said anything about coming over today.

"Belle and Ray are going to take the kids to the other side to play for a little while, and you and I are going to have  a talk,"  were the first words from my sister's mouth.
"What?"  I asked.  Before she could repeat herself, I continued.  "I mean...do you really think they're going to want to play or go anywhere yet?"
"Yes," Audrey piped up.  "I wanna go somewhere where you aren't!"
I gasped, but I really should have expected it.  "Audrey..."
"No!  Don't talk.  I don't wanna talk to the person that's at fault for why my Daddy's gone!"
Casey sucked in a deep breath, but I grabbed her up before she could say anything to Audrey to defend me. 
I couldn't even think of anything to say. 
Zelia did, though.  "Audrey!  That's enough.  Apologize to your mother!" 
That's when she looked me dead in the eyes and said "I don't want to.  I don't want to call her my mother anymore, either."
I gasped.  "Audrey!  I-I'm trying my best.  I know you hate me and I know you miss Daddy, but can't you understand that I'm trying?  I miss him, too, I miss him so much. I know it's my fault, but I don't need you to remind me every single day!  I know it's hard, but can you please j-just....just accept that nothing's going to change and that you're going to be stuck with me?"  Maybe I was a little hard on her, but I didn't know how else to get her attention.  I handed Casey to Belle and then knelt to set my hands on Audrey's shoulders, meeting her reluctant brown eyes.  "Please?"
She looked conflicted for a moment, but then her eyes hardened and she pulled away from me and turned to leave with Belle, who had set Casey down and gone to get Jordan.
I stayed on my knees and stared as Belle and the girls left me alone with Zelia and Zachary.
When they were gone, a sob ripped through me.  "What am I going to do, Zelia?  My own daughter hates me!" 
She knelt beside me and pulled me into a hug.  "I'm sorry.  And I'm sorry, but we're going to have a long talk." 
I pulled away from her.  "N-no...I don't expect you to comfort me or to understand what I'm going through.  P-please..."
"But I'm your sister, and I'm the only family you have left, aside from the kids.  So spill it - talking will help you.  First off, you blame yourself?" 
"Y-yes.  He was going to talk with Tangled Fan about taking me for a walk outside, after all.  If it hadn't have been for me, he'd still be here.  And I can't help but feel that maybe when I broke up with him before we got married....m-maybe I'd been right.  He'd still be around.  I wouldn't know him, but he'd be safe.  Zelia, that wonderful, caring guy is gone because of ME!"  I fairly shouted, I was so furious with myself.  That scared Zach, who had been sleeping, and he started whimpering fearfully.  I stood up quickly and went over to him, scooping up and holding him close.  "I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry, baby.  Shh...Momma's sorry."  I bit back a sob.  I was a horrible mother.  I couldn't even do that right. 
Zelia wouldn't back down on the subject, though. 
"Rapunzel, it's not your fault or his.  It's those stupid dogs' faults.  And if he wouldn't have known you?  It would've destroyed him.  It would've destroyed you, too.  I saw you.  You gave each other a year of precious union, despite the trials you both faced.  It isn't your fault!"
"Yes it is," I whispered.  The tears were streaming down my cheeks, and I wanted to scream, to drop to my knees and cry...to collapse and never get back up again. The longer time dragged on, the more I felt alone; the longer I felt I couldn't get through this. 
Zelia grabbed my shoulders, and I get the feeling that she would've given me a good shaking if it weren't for Zachary.  "Stop it.  Snap yourself out of this, now.  I can see it in your eyes, I can see the light disappearing and I don't want to see you dead...dead inside.  Your kids need you.  You need to do this for him, you need to be the best mother you can be." 
I twisted away from her.  "Maybe I should p-put them up for adoption, then.  I'm..I'm a horrible mother.  I-I can't even imagine losing them, and it would tear me apart, but...but I have to think about what's best for THEM, right?  Not me." 
Zelia huffed, obviously disgusted with me.  "Is this all you can do?  Is...is belittling yourself all you can do?  Because those kids love you--"
"Did you hear Audrey?" 
"She'll get over it!  You and I both know that.  Are you really telling me that you'd look Casey in the eyes and tell her she's going back up for adoption, rather than sticking through and knowing that this is just the dark before the dawn?" 
I fell silent a moment, staring down at Zach's blank, sightless gaze. How could I have thought such a thing?  Shipping them all off for adoption wouldn't be the best for them.  They needed me...and I needed them.  I shook my head, tears dripping from my nose as I hung my head.  "I'm an idiot,"
"No, you just don't think clearly when you're faced with a scary situation.  I do the same thing, so it's not just you.  But...please, don't let this dark cloud consume you.  I can see it happening, and I don't like it.  You need to start getting out and doing stuff, instead of moping and thinking about him." 
I shook my head.  "I can't...not yet.  I-"
"You have to."  Zelia said firmly. 
I swallowed, moving to lay Zach back down into his bed.  "Don't you see, Zelia?  I'm back to where I was last year, only I have four children that depend on me.  I can't just go around like nothing ever happened." 
"You aren't, though!  You have me, and Belle, and Zarina....and the kids.  We'll all help with them, we already do!  I don't expect you to run around like nothing ever happened, but you can't get so withdrawn." 
I didn't really think about her, Belle, and Zarina, and kind of felt terrible for it.  I just nodded.  "I promise I won't destroy myself, but....I just need time to come to terms with it and accept that he's not coming home.  Okay?"
Zelia bit her lip, giving me a critical gaze before finally sighing.  "Fine.  Promise?" 
"I promise," I took a deep, shuddering breath in and  held it for a few seconds, trying to calm my crying.  "But what will I do about Audrey?" 
"She'll come around." 
I hope she does. 


In other news, I'm also here to tell you guys that I talked with Zarina today, and she expressed an interest in blogging.  She's going to become a contributor on this blog, just to test the waters and see if she likes it.  This will also help me out, because I just can't juggle four little ones along with blogging, not right now, at least.  So you'll be hearing more from her; someday she may start her own blog, but for now she'll just post on here.  She'll, of course, label her posts to separate them from mine. 
I'm sure I'll talk to you guys sometime, though; don't worry.