At around nine last night, I was trying to get the girls to wind down for a story before bed. It's no easy task to get two young girls and a baby settled by yourself, as you could imagine....but I'd been managing to do so. Making up stories to tell to the girls seemed to do all of us good; it kept me thinking about other things, and they seemed to appreciate me finally picking up something Eugene had done quite often for them. Even Audrey appreciated it. Zachary even normally settled down to listen in, but he'd been tuckered out and had gone to bed early.
I'd just gotten everyone gathered up on the couch, with Pascal in Jordan's lap, and had begun my tale when we all heard someone coming up onto the table. First, a large hand appeared, and then a head, and with a grunt, the mystery doll had heaved their body up onto the table. Only...said doll wasn't a mystery doll.
It.
Was.
Eugene.
He stood slowly and stiffly, and we all stared at him. My heart thundered, skipped, and squeezed in a mix of emotions tumbling over one another. A gasp tore through me and I let my hand fly to my mouth. Tears clouded my eyes, but I saw the two older girls scramble off of the couch and fling themselves at him. Chuckling, he bent to pick them both up, kissing their foreheads and gushing over how much he'd missed them. Jordan caught sight of him and giggled, clapping her hands and bouncing on her bottom.
I wanted to grab him into a hug and never let go of him, but I waited my turn, watching as our girls welcomed their Daddy home. My heart swelled, and I'm pretty sure I fell in love with him all over again, seeing how he laughed and hugged his girls a little tighter. He looked up to catch my eye, and I dropped my hand from my mouth to smile tearfully at him. He winked, giving me that beautiful smile I'd missed so much, and then ducked his head again to kiss his daughters' foreheads.
He took as long as he needed with Audrey and Casey. No way were they going to sleep anytime soon, I imagined! But after a little bit, they let go of him and wanted to know what kind of stories he was sure to have brought back with him.
"I'll tell you all a little bit, but after that, you have to promise to go to sleep then so you can wake up bright and early in the morning to hear the rest of it, okay? It's you guys' bedtime already," he told them, and they reluctantly agreed. "That's my girls. Now, you two go get settled on the couch while I say hello to your momma, okay?"
They agreed, their faces shining with anticipation and happiness, and my heart leaped into my throat when he met my eyes. Standing up, I made my way almost shyly over to him, not quite sure I even believed that he was alive and home. He reached out for my hands and gave me an expression of sheer adoration.
"Boy, is it good to see you..." he grinned.
I smiled shyly. "You have no idea. I love you so much." Unable to contain myself one more second, I grabbed him into a tight hug, and he reached to do the same; pulling me as close as possible. I smiled into his shoulder; his mere touch enrapturing me. I could've remained in that embrace forever, but I let him slip away after only a few seconds.
"We'll talk later," he promised quietly, adding a soft kiss on my cheek for good measure.
I nodded before following him to the couch.
When he sat, he scooped Jordan up into his arms, despite the two girls vying for spots on his lap. When he managed to get all three squeezed onto his lap, he finally realized he was missing someone and looked up at me, his eyes widening with concern.
"Where's the little guy?"
"He's sleeping in bed," I reassured him, and he nodded, letting his shoulders lower in relief before slipping into a very simple version of the beginning of his adventures; it was enough to captivate the girls, though, and they were reluctant to go to bed when the first part of his story came to a close at approximately eleven o' clock....despite their tiredness. We got them to bed, though, and I quickly slipped behind the cutout to get changed for bed while he watched Zachary sleep for a few minutes.
I'd just gotten the bed made when I felt two strong arms grab me round my waist, and he leaned his chin on my shoulder. I didn't even try to keep the smile off of my face.
"Ready for bed? I can't wait until tomorrow....I'm hoping Zachary lets me at least hold him for a few seconds. You'll need to catch me up on everything," he whispered.
I smiled a bit wider, turning around in his arms to face him. "Mmhmm...I will, but you have to catch ME up first. And no promises with Zach letting you hold him, but we'll see. He's gotten a little better!"
He grinned, cupping my cheeks in his hands. He opened his mouth to say something, but I snaked my arms around his neck and pulled him into a kiss before he could start his sentence. He dropped his hands from my face and instead let them slide down my sides before resting around my waist, pulling me closer. When our lips parted, he met my eyes with a loving expression.
"I missed you," he said quietly, bumping his forehead against mine. I gave him another teary-eyed smile, and he dropped a couple quick kisses onto my brow before leading me over to the edge of the bed. He sat down and collected me up into his lap for a couple of minutes. "Now...before I get into what all happened, I want to warn you before I forget: I might have some nightmares, and I'll probably be up through the night. Don't worry, though, okay? And I apologize in advance if I wake you up....I've been, uh...having pretty bad ones. Nightmares, I mean," he admitted sheepishly.
I nodded, my brows furrowing. What had he gone through?!
I won't include his tale in here right now; he said he would post it himself on here very soon. It was one in the morning before he finally finished the tale, so it's a long one.
When he finally finished, he stretched his back with a grunt. "Climbing so much really did me in. Basically every inch of my body aches!" I nodded empathetically, staring at him with concern. He caught on and smiled at me, reaching over to kiss the tip of my nose. "I'll be fine. But enough about me. What's been going on here? Or are you too tired?"
I shrugged. Quite honestly, I was beyond tired, but at the same time, I was so happy and excited that I probably COULDN'T sleep. If that makes sense...have you ever had that feeling? "I don't know if I'll be able to sleep, but I'm sure you're really tired, huh?"
"You bet. But why won't you be able to sleep?" he flopped down on his side, reaching behind him with one hand to rub at what must've been a particularly sore spot on his back.
"Well, for one, I'm excited because I thought I'd never see you again-"
"Why'd you think that? How long was I gone?" he asked, quirking a brow.
"Almost a month...I-I thought you were dead. We all did," I muttered, dropping my gaze away from him to my lap when I felt my eyes fill with tears. Just thinking about it got me upset.
His eyebrows furrowed. "Oh, honey...c'mere."
I shook my head. "I'll be fine. I'm sorry,"
"About what?"
"It was my fault. If it weren't for me, you wouldn't have been going to talk to Tangled Fan, and--"
"Hey. Enough of that! You and the girls are the only reason I stayed determined enough to come home, just for the record."
I swallowed, nodding. When I knew I was composed once more, I smoothed the blanket over him like I always did before curling underneath them myself, turning on my side to face away from him, at least until I was positive I could look at his face without crying. Within a couple of seconds, he pulled me close up against him, tucking some hair away from my ear before slipping an arm snugly around my midsection. I put my own hand over his, lacing my fingers with his and sighing shakily. Oh, how I'd missed him! But he wasn't about to go to sleep quite yet--of course not.
"You blamed yourself the entire time I was gone, right?" he whispered.
"Mmmh...It doesn't matter, rest up,"
He sighed in frustration. "I don't know why you blame yourself for everything...it was the dog's fault, honey. How can I be so crazy over you if you're so frustrating?" he teased.
I giggled quietly. "Sorry."
Chuckling, he cuddled up just a little closer to me before going to sleep.
I woke up at around 3 in the morning to Eugene tossing
and turning, mumbling and breathing as though he was running a
marathon. His face was pinched and worried, so I propped myself up on
one elbow and started shaking his shoulder, talking quietly to try to
get him to wake up out of the nightmare. With a gasp, he finally woke
up and shot straight upright in bed. I quickly sat up, too, and put a
hand on his shoulder a moment before pulling him into a hug.
"It's just a nightmare," I whispered. "You're okay."
He
buried his face into the crook of my neck, much like the kids do when
they're upset, scared, or tired, and my heart squeezed with empathy. I gave him a couple of quick kisses behind his ear and rested my cheek up against his head, keeping my arms around him until he calmed down. When he
finally pulled out of the hug, he took a deep, shuddering breath.
"Did I wake you?" he whispered.
"It's fine," I said quietly, reaching to smooth his collar.
"I'll go sleep on the couch--" he started to leave the bed, and I grabbed his arm.
"Um, no you're not!"
"I don't want to wake you, though...you--"
"I don't care, Eugene; you're sleeping in bed. It'll be better for your joints, too." I added.
Plus,
I didn't care about being woken up; the love of my life was home after almost a month--like fun I cared if he woke me up having a nightmare! He took another deep breath, and I reached to give him
another quick hug before he settled back down under the blanket. I
curled up with the blanket up to my chin, and he reached to pull me
close to him once again, sucking in another deep breath that was no less shuddering than the one before. Within minutes, I was back asleep, but I don't know about him.
Showing posts with label Eugene's gone. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Eugene's gone. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
What's Been Up
Hey, everyone. It's Rapunzel...just popping in really quickly this morning before the kids get up. I miss you guys.
I'm trying to help Zarina learn how to get photos up on the blog, so you might get some pictures sometime soon - not sure, though. They take awhile to load on the page, and she gets bored with it and quits - it's almost kind of amusing, actually! She gives up way too quickly, though. Anyway, updates on the kids..okay. Let's see.
It stormed a couple of times last weekend, and apparently, my little boy has a similar fear of storms. Poor little guy. It doesn't help when he can probably sense that I'm scared, too, but I try really hard not to be.
Casey has been giving Audrey a wide berth, usually hanging out with me or Ray. Audrey hangs out exclusively with Zelia or Belle or goes by herself - she won't even acknowledge when I talk to her anymore. I can't stand that...I wish I could do something for her.
And last but definitely not least, Jordan's at least been a happy little girl. She's pretty much the only light in this awfulness; she brings everyone's spirits up with her giggling and how she amuses herself.
Belle has been coming over quite a bit to help out; usually in the evenings when Audrey absolutely will NOT go to bed for me. She's been such a good help, and I feel terrible that I haven't thanked her properly yet.
Ray and Zelia are almost always over here anymore, which is, of course, greatly appreciated, and Zarina comes over as well. Casey's really taken to Zarina -- which doesn't surprise me much. I'm glad that Zarina takes the time to hang out with Casey. That poor kid's been through so much, she needs someone to just play and have fun with. Of course, Zarina's an adult and she's a little girl, but they get along anyway, and Zarina won't think twice about playing with her.
Pascal's back to sticking to me like glue; like he did around this time last year. GOSH. I can't believe that on the thirteenth of this month -- Saturday, to be exact --, I was meeting that gorgeous, perfect guy for the first time.
Yesterday evening, Tangled Fan gave me a book (The Giver) and a flashlight, so I read a good bit of it last night. Couldn't sleep anyway....but reading only made me miss him worse at first. And I just couldn't help but think about all the little things I miss. How he would hold one edge of the book and I would hold the other; how he'd get distracted and I'd catch him staring at me instead of reading. How he'd let me cuddle up against him, how he'd kiss the top of my head and whisper 'an I love you' into my hair in the middle of reading. How we used to spend hours reading together.
I miss him.
Don't get me wrong, The Giver is an excellent book so far, but I kept getting distracted, thinking about him.
Tonight, though, I'm almost excited to read some more. I'm hoping that throwing myself deeper into a utopia of propaganda will drown out my thoughts. Hm. The people in The Giver can't feel anything...that sounds pretty darn great right about now. Honestly, the kids are the only reason I haven't gone completely insane. Yet.
Anyway...I'm sure you'll hear from Zarina again soon, hopefully with pictures. I'll update you guys sometime again here.
I'm trying to help Zarina learn how to get photos up on the blog, so you might get some pictures sometime soon - not sure, though. They take awhile to load on the page, and she gets bored with it and quits - it's almost kind of amusing, actually! She gives up way too quickly, though. Anyway, updates on the kids..okay. Let's see.
It stormed a couple of times last weekend, and apparently, my little boy has a similar fear of storms. Poor little guy. It doesn't help when he can probably sense that I'm scared, too, but I try really hard not to be.
Casey has been giving Audrey a wide berth, usually hanging out with me or Ray. Audrey hangs out exclusively with Zelia or Belle or goes by herself - she won't even acknowledge when I talk to her anymore. I can't stand that...I wish I could do something for her.
And last but definitely not least, Jordan's at least been a happy little girl. She's pretty much the only light in this awfulness; she brings everyone's spirits up with her giggling and how she amuses herself.
Belle has been coming over quite a bit to help out; usually in the evenings when Audrey absolutely will NOT go to bed for me. She's been such a good help, and I feel terrible that I haven't thanked her properly yet.
Ray and Zelia are almost always over here anymore, which is, of course, greatly appreciated, and Zarina comes over as well. Casey's really taken to Zarina -- which doesn't surprise me much. I'm glad that Zarina takes the time to hang out with Casey. That poor kid's been through so much, she needs someone to just play and have fun with. Of course, Zarina's an adult and she's a little girl, but they get along anyway, and Zarina won't think twice about playing with her.
Pascal's back to sticking to me like glue; like he did around this time last year. GOSH. I can't believe that on the thirteenth of this month -- Saturday, to be exact --, I was meeting that gorgeous, perfect guy for the first time.
Yesterday evening, Tangled Fan gave me a book (The Giver) and a flashlight, so I read a good bit of it last night. Couldn't sleep anyway....but reading only made me miss him worse at first. And I just couldn't help but think about all the little things I miss. How he would hold one edge of the book and I would hold the other; how he'd get distracted and I'd catch him staring at me instead of reading. How he'd let me cuddle up against him, how he'd kiss the top of my head and whisper 'an I love you' into my hair in the middle of reading. How we used to spend hours reading together.
I miss him.
Don't get me wrong, The Giver is an excellent book so far, but I kept getting distracted, thinking about him.
Tonight, though, I'm almost excited to read some more. I'm hoping that throwing myself deeper into a utopia of propaganda will drown out my thoughts. Hm. The people in The Giver can't feel anything...that sounds pretty darn great right about now. Honestly, the kids are the only reason I haven't gone completely insane. Yet.
Anyway...I'm sure you'll hear from Zarina again soon, hopefully with pictures. I'll update you guys sometime again here.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
What's Been Up...
Hey guys...I apologize for not posting anything since...you know.
It's been a very long week and a half . I don't know if I'll ever be the same again. The girls have been swinging from fighting to crying nearly constantly. Rather, Audrey does all the crying and instigates all the fighting. Casey just doesn't know what to do; I don't either, and I'm scared that she'll run away. Audrey has developed an extreme hatred for me, I've never seen a child with such anger aimed towards someone. Zachary has had to learn that momma can't always carry him around, such as when I'm breaking up a fight or taking care of Jordan, and so he's been really upset and that makes me feel even worse. He's somewhat learned to let Zelia hold him, but he doesn't like it. And if Ray tries to hold him...let's not even mention that.
Yesterday morning at around six, I heard a small, whimpering cry. I suppose at this point I should say that I was up this early because I have hardly slept since the 24th. Between worrying about the kids and thinking about him...I'll sleep when I'm in a trash can somewhere.
Anyway, I heard a cry that was not from either of the babies. Stumbling out of bed, I crept out from behind the cutout to go check things out.
Casey was curled in a ball in their bed, her little shoulders heaving. Pascal was watching her with a concerned expression, and glanced up helplessly at me.
I knelt beside the bed and put a hand over her shoulder. "Casey, sweetie..."
She jumped, sitting up to look at me with her red, watery eyes. Sniffling, she dipped her head in what seemed to be shame. "I-I tried, mom...I tried not to c-cry. I knew it would m-make you sad and...and Daddy wouldn't want me t-to...but I-I couldn't keep it i-in anymore..I-I'm sorry-"
I scooped her out of bed and carried her to my own bed. "Don't you apologize, honey. It's...it's okay to cry. It's not good for you to bottle it all up inside, so you cry all you need to. I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry." I was struggling to keep my own composure, but when she buried her face into my chest and sobbed quietly, I couldn't keep it together anymore. She cried herself to sleep, and I cried with her. When her heartbroken sniffles faded into a shuddering sigh, I laid her down beside me and watched her sleep, keeping her close.
At eight when Zachary announced his waking with a loud cry, I got up once more. All of the girls woke after that, and at eight-thirty, Zelia and Belle came over unexpectedly. Zelia's been helping a lot, and I fully appreciate it, but she hadn't said anything about coming over today.
"Belle and Ray are going to take the kids to the other side to play for a little while, and you and I are going to have a talk," were the first words from my sister's mouth.
"What?" I asked. Before she could repeat herself, I continued. "I mean...do you really think they're going to want to play or go anywhere yet?"
"Yes," Audrey piped up. "I wanna go somewhere where you aren't!"
I gasped, but I really should have expected it. "Audrey..."
"No! Don't talk. I don't wanna talk to the person that's at fault for why my Daddy's gone!"
Casey sucked in a deep breath, but I grabbed her up before she could say anything to Audrey to defend me.
I couldn't even think of anything to say.
Zelia did, though. "Audrey! That's enough. Apologize to your mother!"
That's when she looked me dead in the eyes and said "I don't want to. I don't want to call her my mother anymore, either."
I gasped. "Audrey! I-I'm trying my best. I know you hate me and I know you miss Daddy, but can't you understand that I'm trying? I miss him, too, I miss him so much. I know it's my fault, but I don't need you to remind me every single day! I know it's hard, but can you please j-just....just accept that nothing's going to change and that you're going to be stuck with me?" Maybe I was a little hard on her, but I didn't know how else to get her attention. I handed Casey to Belle and then knelt to set my hands on Audrey's shoulders, meeting her reluctant brown eyes. "Please?"
She looked conflicted for a moment, but then her eyes hardened and she pulled away from me and turned to leave with Belle, who had set Casey down and gone to get Jordan.
I stayed on my knees and stared as Belle and the girls left me alone with Zelia and Zachary.
When they were gone, a sob ripped through me. "What am I going to do, Zelia? My own daughter hates me!"
She knelt beside me and pulled me into a hug. "I'm sorry. And I'm sorry, but we're going to have a long talk."
I pulled away from her. "N-no...I don't expect you to comfort me or to understand what I'm going through. P-please..."
"But I'm your sister, and I'm the only family you have left, aside from the kids. So spill it - talking will help you. First off, you blame yourself?"
"Y-yes. He was going to talk with Tangled Fan about taking me for a walk outside, after all. If it hadn't have been for me, he'd still be here. And I can't help but feel that maybe when I broke up with him before we got married....m-maybe I'd been right. He'd still be around. I wouldn't know him, but he'd be safe. Zelia, that wonderful, caring guy is gone because of ME!" I fairly shouted, I was so furious with myself. That scared Zach, who had been sleeping, and he started whimpering fearfully. I stood up quickly and went over to him, scooping up and holding him close. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, baby. Shh...Momma's sorry." I bit back a sob. I was a horrible mother. I couldn't even do that right.
Zelia wouldn't back down on the subject, though.
"Rapunzel, it's not your fault or his. It's those stupid dogs' faults. And if he wouldn't have known you? It would've destroyed him. It would've destroyed you, too. I saw you. You gave each other a year of precious union, despite the trials you both faced. It isn't your fault!"
"Yes it is," I whispered. The tears were streaming down my cheeks, and I wanted to scream, to drop to my knees and cry...to collapse and never get back up again. The longer time dragged on, the more I felt alone; the longer I felt I couldn't get through this.
Zelia grabbed my shoulders, and I get the feeling that she would've given me a good shaking if it weren't for Zachary. "Stop it. Snap yourself out of this, now. I can see it in your eyes, I can see the light disappearing and I don't want to see you dead...dead inside. Your kids need you. You need to do this for him, you need to be the best mother you can be."
I twisted away from her. "Maybe I should p-put them up for adoption, then. I'm..I'm a horrible mother. I-I can't even imagine losing them, and it would tear me apart, but...but I have to think about what's best for THEM, right? Not me."
Zelia huffed, obviously disgusted with me. "Is this all you can do? Is...is belittling yourself all you can do? Because those kids love you--"
"Did you hear Audrey?"
"She'll get over it! You and I both know that. Are you really telling me that you'd look Casey in the eyes and tell her she's going back up for adoption, rather than sticking through and knowing that this is just the dark before the dawn?"
I fell silent a moment, staring down at Zach's blank, sightless gaze. How could I have thought such a thing? Shipping them all off for adoption wouldn't be the best for them. They needed me...and I needed them. I shook my head, tears dripping from my nose as I hung my head. "I'm an idiot,"
"No, you just don't think clearly when you're faced with a scary situation. I do the same thing, so it's not just you. But...please, don't let this dark cloud consume you. I can see it happening, and I don't like it. You need to start getting out and doing stuff, instead of moping and thinking about him."
I shook my head. "I can't...not yet. I-"
"You have to." Zelia said firmly.
I swallowed, moving to lay Zach back down into his bed. "Don't you see, Zelia? I'm back to where I was last year, only I have four children that depend on me. I can't just go around like nothing ever happened."
"You aren't, though! You have me, and Belle, and Zarina....and the kids. We'll all help with them, we already do! I don't expect you to run around like nothing ever happened, but you can't get so withdrawn."
I didn't really think about her, Belle, and Zarina, and kind of felt terrible for it. I just nodded. "I promise I won't destroy myself, but....I just need time to come to terms with it and accept that he's not coming home. Okay?"
Zelia bit her lip, giving me a critical gaze before finally sighing. "Fine. Promise?"
"I promise," I took a deep, shuddering breath in and held it for a few seconds, trying to calm my crying. "But what will I do about Audrey?"
"She'll come around."
I hope she does.
In other news, I'm also here to tell you guys that I talked with Zarina today, and she expressed an interest in blogging. She's going to become a contributor on this blog, just to test the waters and see if she likes it. This will also help me out, because I just can't juggle four little ones along with blogging, not right now, at least. So you'll be hearing more from her; someday she may start her own blog, but for now she'll just post on here. She'll, of course, label her posts to separate them from mine.
I'm sure I'll talk to you guys sometime, though; don't worry.
It's been a very long week and a half . I don't know if I'll ever be the same again. The girls have been swinging from fighting to crying nearly constantly. Rather, Audrey does all the crying and instigates all the fighting. Casey just doesn't know what to do; I don't either, and I'm scared that she'll run away. Audrey has developed an extreme hatred for me, I've never seen a child with such anger aimed towards someone. Zachary has had to learn that momma can't always carry him around, such as when I'm breaking up a fight or taking care of Jordan, and so he's been really upset and that makes me feel even worse. He's somewhat learned to let Zelia hold him, but he doesn't like it. And if Ray tries to hold him...let's not even mention that.
Yesterday morning at around six, I heard a small, whimpering cry. I suppose at this point I should say that I was up this early because I have hardly slept since the 24th. Between worrying about the kids and thinking about him...I'll sleep when I'm in a trash can somewhere.
Anyway, I heard a cry that was not from either of the babies. Stumbling out of bed, I crept out from behind the cutout to go check things out.
Casey was curled in a ball in their bed, her little shoulders heaving. Pascal was watching her with a concerned expression, and glanced up helplessly at me.
I knelt beside the bed and put a hand over her shoulder. "Casey, sweetie..."
She jumped, sitting up to look at me with her red, watery eyes. Sniffling, she dipped her head in what seemed to be shame. "I-I tried, mom...I tried not to c-cry. I knew it would m-make you sad and...and Daddy wouldn't want me t-to...but I-I couldn't keep it i-in anymore..I-I'm sorry-"
I scooped her out of bed and carried her to my own bed. "Don't you apologize, honey. It's...it's okay to cry. It's not good for you to bottle it all up inside, so you cry all you need to. I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry." I was struggling to keep my own composure, but when she buried her face into my chest and sobbed quietly, I couldn't keep it together anymore. She cried herself to sleep, and I cried with her. When her heartbroken sniffles faded into a shuddering sigh, I laid her down beside me and watched her sleep, keeping her close.
At eight when Zachary announced his waking with a loud cry, I got up once more. All of the girls woke after that, and at eight-thirty, Zelia and Belle came over unexpectedly. Zelia's been helping a lot, and I fully appreciate it, but she hadn't said anything about coming over today.
"Belle and Ray are going to take the kids to the other side to play for a little while, and you and I are going to have a talk," were the first words from my sister's mouth.
"What?" I asked. Before she could repeat herself, I continued. "I mean...do you really think they're going to want to play or go anywhere yet?"
"Yes," Audrey piped up. "I wanna go somewhere where you aren't!"
I gasped, but I really should have expected it. "Audrey..."
"No! Don't talk. I don't wanna talk to the person that's at fault for why my Daddy's gone!"
Casey sucked in a deep breath, but I grabbed her up before she could say anything to Audrey to defend me.
I couldn't even think of anything to say.
Zelia did, though. "Audrey! That's enough. Apologize to your mother!"
That's when she looked me dead in the eyes and said "I don't want to. I don't want to call her my mother anymore, either."
I gasped. "Audrey! I-I'm trying my best. I know you hate me and I know you miss Daddy, but can't you understand that I'm trying? I miss him, too, I miss him so much. I know it's my fault, but I don't need you to remind me every single day! I know it's hard, but can you please j-just....just accept that nothing's going to change and that you're going to be stuck with me?" Maybe I was a little hard on her, but I didn't know how else to get her attention. I handed Casey to Belle and then knelt to set my hands on Audrey's shoulders, meeting her reluctant brown eyes. "Please?"
She looked conflicted for a moment, but then her eyes hardened and she pulled away from me and turned to leave with Belle, who had set Casey down and gone to get Jordan.
I stayed on my knees and stared as Belle and the girls left me alone with Zelia and Zachary.
When they were gone, a sob ripped through me. "What am I going to do, Zelia? My own daughter hates me!"
She knelt beside me and pulled me into a hug. "I'm sorry. And I'm sorry, but we're going to have a long talk."
I pulled away from her. "N-no...I don't expect you to comfort me or to understand what I'm going through. P-please..."
"But I'm your sister, and I'm the only family you have left, aside from the kids. So spill it - talking will help you. First off, you blame yourself?"
"Y-yes. He was going to talk with Tangled Fan about taking me for a walk outside, after all. If it hadn't have been for me, he'd still be here. And I can't help but feel that maybe when I broke up with him before we got married....m-maybe I'd been right. He'd still be around. I wouldn't know him, but he'd be safe. Zelia, that wonderful, caring guy is gone because of ME!" I fairly shouted, I was so furious with myself. That scared Zach, who had been sleeping, and he started whimpering fearfully. I stood up quickly and went over to him, scooping up and holding him close. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, baby. Shh...Momma's sorry." I bit back a sob. I was a horrible mother. I couldn't even do that right.
Zelia wouldn't back down on the subject, though.
"Rapunzel, it's not your fault or his. It's those stupid dogs' faults. And if he wouldn't have known you? It would've destroyed him. It would've destroyed you, too. I saw you. You gave each other a year of precious union, despite the trials you both faced. It isn't your fault!"
"Yes it is," I whispered. The tears were streaming down my cheeks, and I wanted to scream, to drop to my knees and cry...to collapse and never get back up again. The longer time dragged on, the more I felt alone; the longer I felt I couldn't get through this.
Zelia grabbed my shoulders, and I get the feeling that she would've given me a good shaking if it weren't for Zachary. "Stop it. Snap yourself out of this, now. I can see it in your eyes, I can see the light disappearing and I don't want to see you dead...dead inside. Your kids need you. You need to do this for him, you need to be the best mother you can be."
I twisted away from her. "Maybe I should p-put them up for adoption, then. I'm..I'm a horrible mother. I-I can't even imagine losing them, and it would tear me apart, but...but I have to think about what's best for THEM, right? Not me."
Zelia huffed, obviously disgusted with me. "Is this all you can do? Is...is belittling yourself all you can do? Because those kids love you--"
"Did you hear Audrey?"
"She'll get over it! You and I both know that. Are you really telling me that you'd look Casey in the eyes and tell her she's going back up for adoption, rather than sticking through and knowing that this is just the dark before the dawn?"
I fell silent a moment, staring down at Zach's blank, sightless gaze. How could I have thought such a thing? Shipping them all off for adoption wouldn't be the best for them. They needed me...and I needed them. I shook my head, tears dripping from my nose as I hung my head. "I'm an idiot,"
"No, you just don't think clearly when you're faced with a scary situation. I do the same thing, so it's not just you. But...please, don't let this dark cloud consume you. I can see it happening, and I don't like it. You need to start getting out and doing stuff, instead of moping and thinking about him."
I shook my head. "I can't...not yet. I-"
"You have to." Zelia said firmly.
I swallowed, moving to lay Zach back down into his bed. "Don't you see, Zelia? I'm back to where I was last year, only I have four children that depend on me. I can't just go around like nothing ever happened."
"You aren't, though! You have me, and Belle, and Zarina....and the kids. We'll all help with them, we already do! I don't expect you to run around like nothing ever happened, but you can't get so withdrawn."
I didn't really think about her, Belle, and Zarina, and kind of felt terrible for it. I just nodded. "I promise I won't destroy myself, but....I just need time to come to terms with it and accept that he's not coming home. Okay?"
Zelia bit her lip, giving me a critical gaze before finally sighing. "Fine. Promise?"
"I promise," I took a deep, shuddering breath in and held it for a few seconds, trying to calm my crying. "But what will I do about Audrey?"
"She'll come around."
I hope she does.
In other news, I'm also here to tell you guys that I talked with Zarina today, and she expressed an interest in blogging. She's going to become a contributor on this blog, just to test the waters and see if she likes it. This will also help me out, because I just can't juggle four little ones along with blogging, not right now, at least. So you'll be hearing more from her; someday she may start her own blog, but for now she'll just post on here. She'll, of course, label her posts to separate them from mine.
I'm sure I'll talk to you guys sometime, though; don't worry.
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
August 23rd-24th, 2014
The night of the 24th, Eugene and I went to sit on the windowsill and stargaze for awhile. Unfortunately, the night quickly turned overcast and it started to rain, so we instead just sat and enjoyed one another's company, just like we'd done so many times before. At one point, he pulled me a bit closer to him and kissed my forehead.
"I can't believe that in just a couple of weeks, you'll have been here for a year. It feels like we've known each other forever, but at the same time, it feels like time's flown. Or is it just me?"
I was surprised. I hadn't really given much thought to how long I'd been here - plus, the fact that sometimes I couldn't remember when I had really arrived here put a damper on things - but it sure didn't feel like a year! Grinning, I sighed. "I can't believe it, either. Out of my almost four years of being a doll, this has been the best year of my life!"
"You know what? I think we need to go for a walk tomorrow. Just you and me. Not for the whole day, of course, but we could when Zach settles down for a nap. You know he's pretty regular with his nap schedule, so we could sneak out for a little while during his afternoon nap. I already talked with Zelia, and she said she'd be happy to watch the girls for us if we need her to," he said, giving me a hopeful gaze.
I giggled. He'd thought every single little thing out. "Well...you know how busy I am..." I teased.
"Oh, yes. You're hardly around - you're almost always over on the other side of the table, having important discussions with everyone over there. And--" he teased.
Laughing, I shoved him playfully. "Of course I want to go for a walk. We haven't done so in AGES,"
"I know. We need to take the girls for a walk someday soon, too. I'm sure they'd want to ride - maybe we'll do that after Zach doesn't need his formula stuff anymore. Then we can make a day out of it,"
I nodded. "Definitely!"
The next morning, I woke up at seven with Zach, who was crying. I promptly got him to go back to sleep, and by the time I got back to bed, Eugene was up.
"Morning," I whispered, crawling back into bed and turning to face him.
"Good morning, beautiful," he smiled sleepily - his usual morning greeting. Funny how I've known him for almost a year, and we've been married for almost ten months, but he can still give me butterflies. "Are the kids asleep?"
"Yeah...Zach woke up for a little bit, but I got him to go to sleep again," I told him.
"Okay. So...you looking forward to our walk today? I am,"
I nodded, grinning and leaning over to give him a quick kiss. "Yup!"
After that, we just whispered sweet-nothings while we waited for the kids to wake up.
When the kids got up, Eugene made sure that everyone was going to behave, and then he went to go ask Tangled Fan if we could possibly go outside to walk - a very rare treat.
At promptly two-thirty-one PM, Zachary went to sleep for his afternoon nap. Eugene wasn't back, though. It was safe to say that I was getting really worried, but there wasn't anything I could do except sit around and wait - and that was killing me.
When Tangled Fan came in at around three, I raced over to the edge of the table and started waving frantically, trying to get her attention. It worked, and so I waited anxiously until she came over.
"What's up?" she asked.
"Where's Eugene?" I asked.
"He's not up here?" was her response.
"No, he was going to go ask you something...he left at around nine this morning," when I saw the confusion on her face, I trailed off. My stomach twisted.
"I haven't seen him - but the dogs were in and out a lot today. They may have taken him, and you know what that means, right?"
I did. The tales of what Tangled Fan's dogs did to us dolls were pure horror stories. The lucky ones came out alive with mashed, chewed up limbs. The unlucky ones...well...were dismembered. The only two ways you can kill a doll? Dismembering it completely or severe head trauma of some sort.
I stared at her in horror before slowly shaking my head. "No...no. He can't....he couldn't have been taken by the dogs...." I felt lightheaded, and slowly sank to my knees. My head was swimming.
"Don't freak out yet. Maybe he got lost - It's a big house for you dolls--"
"He wouldn't get lost," I mumbled. My lips felt numb and immovable. "He knows his way around your house."
She shook her head. "I'll go search for him outside, then. I'm sorry, but it's probably not gonna be a good outcome."
That's when Casey came over.
"Did Daddy leave us? Is it my fault?"
I glanced over at her and saw the look of sheer sorrow on her face. "No, honey. It's not your fault, and he d-didn't leave us, not willingly...I-I don't know....I don't know what's going on." I pulled her into my lap, and she buried her face up against my chest. I looked back up, but Tangled Fan was gone.
It wasn't Casey's fault he'd left the table this morning; it was mine. If it weren't for my stupid self, he'd still be here with his family, where he should be.
I was too shocked to cry, but I tried to keep a positive frame of mind until Tangled Fan came back. Maybe he WAS just lost...
Tangled Fan came back an hour later, shortly after I'd put the girls to bed for their afternoon nap.
She held a single brown boot in her hand, shaking her head.
"This is all I found of him."
The single, small indent on the top only pointed to one culprit: a dog.
I felt every ounce of strength drain from my body, but I somehow managed to stay upright. Coldness draped over me from head to toe like a sheet of ice. I nodded slowly, staring not at Tangled Fan but at the boot she held loosely in her right hand.
When she left, I still remained standing at the edge of the table; head hanging, stock still. He was gone. My husband...the love of my life, the one who I knew I could trust 100%...he was gone.
"Rapunzel?" Zelia asked. "W-what.....what happened?"
I jumped when she put a hand on my shoulder, and slowly turned to look at her. She held an expression of concern, which was rare for her.
I could hardly make my mouth or throat move, but I somehow managed to spit it out.
"Eugene...t-the dogs...the dogs got after him...he's...." I trailed off and gulped, "he's gone." Suddenly, a wave of emotion hit me, and a throbbing pain spread through my heart into my stomach and head. My arms and legs felt as though there were shackles chaining me to the table; I couldn't move.
Zelia gasped. "Oh...oh, no..." she grabbed me into a hug, and that's when I lost it. Hot tears streaked down my cheeks as I wept into my sister's shoulder, and she cried with me.
The day dragged. I couldn't wrap it around my head that my husband wasn't coming back.
Telling the girls that their dad wasn't coming back was the worst thing I have ever done. Audrey overheard me talking to Zelia about why he had left earlier this morning, and now my daughter hates me: as she should. It's my fault. If it weren't for me, they'd still have their dad.
Jordan doesn't understand why everyone is crying, but she knows that she doesn't like it, and so she's been fussy all afternoon. Zachary's uncharacteristically quiet.
Tangled Fan came in later to talk to me; she offered to let us do a funeral service, but I refused. Those who knew and cared about him already knew about his likely death; we were mourning and a funeral service wouldn't help with closure if we didn't even have the remains.
It didn't truly hit me until that night. I put all the kids to bed and had a quick talk with the girls before bed.
"If either of you can't sleep, let me know, okay? Come back and you can sleep with us--er..me. I...I'm sorry. I-if you, um...just...don't be afraid to come to me. I love you girls so much...and Daddy did, too."
I gave both of them tight hugs, and Casey gave me a shaky smile.
"It'll be okay, mommy. I don't want to cry or be sad, because I know he wouldn't want us to be sad."
I almost lost it right then and there. "Y-you're right, baby. Good night...try to get some rest. I love you both."
I tucked them in a bit tighter, gave them both kisses on their foreheads (despite Audrey's disgust), made sure that Pascal was in bed with them, and then went behind the cutout. I kept it together until I had the bed made. On a normal night, he'd come back and slip his arms around my waist right about now, hugging me before crawling into bed and letting me rest my head on his chest while we talked about the day, usually until one or both of us fell asleep.
I honestly don't know how long I cried, and my chest was so tight that I could barely breath. My stomach churned, and tears slipped from my cheeks and splashed onto the blanket that should have been covering my husband as he slept peacefully...Where he had been doing just that twenty-four hours ago. It was all I could do to keep from screaming, it hurt so much. I didn't know how I could live with this; how I could live with this guilt and loss and on top of that, four little kids and one of which who hates me now, and....and how on earth could I be strong enough for them? One way or another, I was going to have to be.
In my silent, painful desolation, I heard a small cry that was not my own...Zachary.
Forcing myself to pull it together, I stumbled out of bed and went to go pick him up.
"S-s-shhh, honey...Momma's got you," I whispered, holding him close until his sniffles subsided. When I crept back to bed, I covered both of us up and let him sleep on my chest, willing my own spasmodic breaths to slow. Zachary was all I had left of Eugene, really. How ironic that his miraculous birth had happened not even two weeks before Eugene died...if I would have gone my entire term, my husband wouldn't have been there for his birth, and Zachary wouldn't have known his father. I squeezed my eyes against a fresh wave of pain, and told myself that I needed to keep myself together. The kids needed me - all of them, especially Audrey and Casey.
"I can't believe that in just a couple of weeks, you'll have been here for a year. It feels like we've known each other forever, but at the same time, it feels like time's flown. Or is it just me?"
I was surprised. I hadn't really given much thought to how long I'd been here - plus, the fact that sometimes I couldn't remember when I had really arrived here put a damper on things - but it sure didn't feel like a year! Grinning, I sighed. "I can't believe it, either. Out of my almost four years of being a doll, this has been the best year of my life!"
"You know what? I think we need to go for a walk tomorrow. Just you and me. Not for the whole day, of course, but we could when Zach settles down for a nap. You know he's pretty regular with his nap schedule, so we could sneak out for a little while during his afternoon nap. I already talked with Zelia, and she said she'd be happy to watch the girls for us if we need her to," he said, giving me a hopeful gaze.
I giggled. He'd thought every single little thing out. "Well...you know how busy I am..." I teased.
"Oh, yes. You're hardly around - you're almost always over on the other side of the table, having important discussions with everyone over there. And--" he teased.
Laughing, I shoved him playfully. "Of course I want to go for a walk. We haven't done so in AGES,"
"I know. We need to take the girls for a walk someday soon, too. I'm sure they'd want to ride - maybe we'll do that after Zach doesn't need his formula stuff anymore. Then we can make a day out of it,"
I nodded. "Definitely!"
The next morning, I woke up at seven with Zach, who was crying. I promptly got him to go back to sleep, and by the time I got back to bed, Eugene was up.
"Morning," I whispered, crawling back into bed and turning to face him.
"Good morning, beautiful," he smiled sleepily - his usual morning greeting. Funny how I've known him for almost a year, and we've been married for almost ten months, but he can still give me butterflies. "Are the kids asleep?"
"Yeah...Zach woke up for a little bit, but I got him to go to sleep again," I told him.
"Okay. So...you looking forward to our walk today? I am,"
I nodded, grinning and leaning over to give him a quick kiss. "Yup!"
After that, we just whispered sweet-nothings while we waited for the kids to wake up.
When the kids got up, Eugene made sure that everyone was going to behave, and then he went to go ask Tangled Fan if we could possibly go outside to walk - a very rare treat.
At promptly two-thirty-one PM, Zachary went to sleep for his afternoon nap. Eugene wasn't back, though. It was safe to say that I was getting really worried, but there wasn't anything I could do except sit around and wait - and that was killing me.
When Tangled Fan came in at around three, I raced over to the edge of the table and started waving frantically, trying to get her attention. It worked, and so I waited anxiously until she came over.
"What's up?" she asked.
"Where's Eugene?" I asked.
"He's not up here?" was her response.
"No, he was going to go ask you something...he left at around nine this morning," when I saw the confusion on her face, I trailed off. My stomach twisted.
"I haven't seen him - but the dogs were in and out a lot today. They may have taken him, and you know what that means, right?"
I did. The tales of what Tangled Fan's dogs did to us dolls were pure horror stories. The lucky ones came out alive with mashed, chewed up limbs. The unlucky ones...well...were dismembered. The only two ways you can kill a doll? Dismembering it completely or severe head trauma of some sort.
I stared at her in horror before slowly shaking my head. "No...no. He can't....he couldn't have been taken by the dogs...." I felt lightheaded, and slowly sank to my knees. My head was swimming.
"Don't freak out yet. Maybe he got lost - It's a big house for you dolls--"
"He wouldn't get lost," I mumbled. My lips felt numb and immovable. "He knows his way around your house."
She shook her head. "I'll go search for him outside, then. I'm sorry, but it's probably not gonna be a good outcome."
That's when Casey came over.
"Did Daddy leave us? Is it my fault?"
I glanced over at her and saw the look of sheer sorrow on her face. "No, honey. It's not your fault, and he d-didn't leave us, not willingly...I-I don't know....I don't know what's going on." I pulled her into my lap, and she buried her face up against my chest. I looked back up, but Tangled Fan was gone.
It wasn't Casey's fault he'd left the table this morning; it was mine. If it weren't for my stupid self, he'd still be here with his family, where he should be.
I was too shocked to cry, but I tried to keep a positive frame of mind until Tangled Fan came back. Maybe he WAS just lost...
Tangled Fan came back an hour later, shortly after I'd put the girls to bed for their afternoon nap.
She held a single brown boot in her hand, shaking her head.
"This is all I found of him."
The single, small indent on the top only pointed to one culprit: a dog.
I felt every ounce of strength drain from my body, but I somehow managed to stay upright. Coldness draped over me from head to toe like a sheet of ice. I nodded slowly, staring not at Tangled Fan but at the boot she held loosely in her right hand.
When she left, I still remained standing at the edge of the table; head hanging, stock still. He was gone. My husband...the love of my life, the one who I knew I could trust 100%...he was gone.
"Rapunzel?" Zelia asked. "W-what.....what happened?"
I jumped when she put a hand on my shoulder, and slowly turned to look at her. She held an expression of concern, which was rare for her.
I could hardly make my mouth or throat move, but I somehow managed to spit it out.
"Eugene...t-the dogs...the dogs got after him...he's...." I trailed off and gulped, "he's gone." Suddenly, a wave of emotion hit me, and a throbbing pain spread through my heart into my stomach and head. My arms and legs felt as though there were shackles chaining me to the table; I couldn't move.
Zelia gasped. "Oh...oh, no..." she grabbed me into a hug, and that's when I lost it. Hot tears streaked down my cheeks as I wept into my sister's shoulder, and she cried with me.
The day dragged. I couldn't wrap it around my head that my husband wasn't coming back.
Telling the girls that their dad wasn't coming back was the worst thing I have ever done. Audrey overheard me talking to Zelia about why he had left earlier this morning, and now my daughter hates me: as she should. It's my fault. If it weren't for me, they'd still have their dad.
Jordan doesn't understand why everyone is crying, but she knows that she doesn't like it, and so she's been fussy all afternoon. Zachary's uncharacteristically quiet.
Tangled Fan came in later to talk to me; she offered to let us do a funeral service, but I refused. Those who knew and cared about him already knew about his likely death; we were mourning and a funeral service wouldn't help with closure if we didn't even have the remains.
It didn't truly hit me until that night. I put all the kids to bed and had a quick talk with the girls before bed.
"If either of you can't sleep, let me know, okay? Come back and you can sleep with us--er..me. I...I'm sorry. I-if you, um...just...don't be afraid to come to me. I love you girls so much...and Daddy did, too."
I gave both of them tight hugs, and Casey gave me a shaky smile.
"It'll be okay, mommy. I don't want to cry or be sad, because I know he wouldn't want us to be sad."
I almost lost it right then and there. "Y-you're right, baby. Good night...try to get some rest. I love you both."
I tucked them in a bit tighter, gave them both kisses on their foreheads (despite Audrey's disgust), made sure that Pascal was in bed with them, and then went behind the cutout. I kept it together until I had the bed made. On a normal night, he'd come back and slip his arms around my waist right about now, hugging me before crawling into bed and letting me rest my head on his chest while we talked about the day, usually until one or both of us fell asleep.
I honestly don't know how long I cried, and my chest was so tight that I could barely breath. My stomach churned, and tears slipped from my cheeks and splashed onto the blanket that should have been covering my husband as he slept peacefully...Where he had been doing just that twenty-four hours ago. It was all I could do to keep from screaming, it hurt so much. I didn't know how I could live with this; how I could live with this guilt and loss and on top of that, four little kids and one of which who hates me now, and....and how on earth could I be strong enough for them? One way or another, I was going to have to be.
In my silent, painful desolation, I heard a small cry that was not my own...Zachary.
Forcing myself to pull it together, I stumbled out of bed and went to go pick him up.
"S-s-shhh, honey...Momma's got you," I whispered, holding him close until his sniffles subsided. When I crept back to bed, I covered both of us up and let him sleep on my chest, willing my own spasmodic breaths to slow. Zachary was all I had left of Eugene, really. How ironic that his miraculous birth had happened not even two weeks before Eugene died...if I would have gone my entire term, my husband wouldn't have been there for his birth, and Zachary wouldn't have known his father. I squeezed my eyes against a fresh wave of pain, and told myself that I needed to keep myself together. The kids needed me - all of them, especially Audrey and Casey.
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